The Magical Land of Muffins and Pie
by Perry1
Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate a town of pastries, need I say more? PG13


Title: The Magical Land of Muffins And Pie  
  
Author: Perry  
  
Characters: Mulder, Scully  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own The X-Files, Chris Carter and 1013 Productions do. I guess I do own The Magical Land of Muffins and Pie, because I thought of it and have never heard anything like it, but I suppose a little bit of the idea came from Miss Muffy And The Muff Mob, which is owned by MTV, I guess.  
  
Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate a town of pastries, need I say more? PG-13 BEST STORY EVER  
  
Author's notes: This is so cool, I love this story! Just saying "The Magical Land Of Muffins and Pie", wow. I guess you have to hear me say it to understand. It's a pretty weird story, and the fighting scene wasn't as kickass as I thought it was going to be, but I think it still got the point across. Yes, I know it is TOTALLY like Harry Potter... no matter what the king said!

* * *

PROLOGUE  
  
Mulder looked around him. The sky was a pale pinkish color, the trees all packed with soccer ball  
  
sized cherries. A cute little bunny with huge, cute, glistening eyes hopped playfully by. The path  
  
leading to the bright city was made of graham cracker crumbles, and it was as smooth as silk, and  
  
no one ever fell down. The grass was sweet and tangy to the taste, thick and bouncy to the touch.  
  
The entire country-side of the city was tinted in a majestic gold. Up ahead, the city streets were  
  
paved with gold coins, the markets all giving out free, tasty treats to hungry passerby. The city  
  
looked cheerful, inviting, mystical.  
  
Mulder felt like he was going to puke.  
  
How had he ended up in this nauseating city?  
  
It was Skinner's fault.  
  
Skinner had assigned Mulder and Scully to this case. He told them to go to this place, because an  
  
evil villain was terrorizing the citizens. Mulder hadn't thought it sounded like an X-File, but this  
  
place ...This place was weirder than any X-File he had ever read!  
  
Scully was behind him, staring at the bunny that had hopped by.  
  
"Mulder, since when do bunnies eat licorice?" Scully asked.  
  
Mulder turned around, the bunny had a strand of red licorice, and was munching it heartily.  
  
"I have no idea, Scully. Look at this place! This is-" Mulder couldn't finish his sentence. Just  
  
looking at the town made him sick. He motioned to Scully, "C'mon, if we have to investigate  
  
what's going on, we might as well get it over with."  
  
Scully nodded, "Sooner we get out of this town, the better."  
  
They began walking up the graham cracker path towards the city. Mulder began laughing so hard  
  
he had to sit down in the middle of the road when they approached a tall sign made out of cake  
  
YOU'RE ENTERING THE MAGICAL LAND OF MUFFINS AND PIE, WELCOME  
  
"Scully, I can't do this," Mulder gasped in-between laughs, "I can't be professional in this place!"  
  
"C'mon!" Scully pulled Mulder up, and they walked into the city.  
  
THE MAGICAL LAND OF MUFFINS AND PIE  
  
"Hello, Hello, how may I help you, kind visitors?" the shop keeper took Scully's hand and grinned, showing off his blinding white teeth.  
  
"Um, yes, I'm Agent Scully, and this is Agent Mulder, we are with the FBI. We need to speak to-"  
  
"The Fanciful Banquet Inquire? Is it that time again already? Okay, my choice would have to be,  
  
um Mr. Spoon's Christmas luncheon, that was just immaculate and--"  
  
"Wait, Fanciful Banquet Inquire, Mr. Spoon? What are you talking about?"  
  
"The FBI, every year you people come around and all of the citizens tell you who is the best  
  
candidate to win the Banquet of the Year Award. I'm voting for Mr. Spoon," the shopkeeper  
  
grinned once more at Scully, not noticing Mulder, who was crouched down behind a huge candy  
  
display, turning red from holding in his laughter.  
  
"No, no, the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation," Scully said, wishing Mulder would help  
  
her out.  
  
"Hmmm? I have never heard of such a thing," the shopkeeper's grin faded, "Who are you people?  
  
Lunatics? I'm just trying to run a simple business, I can do without madmen and women. I already  
  
have enough problems with the One!"  
  
Mulder stood up, and hurried over to the counter, "The One? Who's the One?"  
  
The shopkeeper looked at them in shock, "We do not speak his name, he has brought great terror  
  
to our land, our people."  
  
"Could you say it, just once?" Mulder pleaded.  
  
The shopkeeper stared at them for a minute, deciding. Then he nodded, and leaned close to them.  
  
He said in not more than a whisper, "Lord Souparious," (pronounced Soup-air- ee-us) the  
  
shopkeeper winced as if the name was painful to say.  
  
"Kay, um, who is the leader of this-, " Mulder paused, willing himself to say it without laughing,  
  
"Land of Muffins and Pie?"  
  
"Oh, King Archibald Appleberry, of course! He lives in the Muffin Palace on Blueberry Avenue!"  
  
The shopkeeper pointed down the road.  
  
A MAN NAMED OCTOBER  
  
"Mulder, are those mini-muffins running around?"  
  
"I don't know how to answer that Scully."  
  
"They are! Why are they mini-muffins?!"  
  
"Because, ma'am, they are not fully grown muffins yet, they are only babies."  
  
Scully whirled at this voice, that seemed to be almost inside her ear.  
  
An old man with fruit-stained overalls was standing behind her. He was wearing a rather large  
  
straw hat, and work boots.  
  
The man must have noticed how Scully had checked out his appearance because he had laughed  
  
heartily and said, "Today was my day to work in the fields, ya know, pick fruit for The Banquet of  
  
the Year Award next week. Privilege to work on it, it is. Mah friend Matthew is a cook this year,  
  
big step up from last year, I'll tell ya. He was working on banners. Usually only youngins' do that,  
  
but King Appleberry made an exception. Felt real bad for 'im, I was on the serving team mahself.  
  
Some say gatherer is a step or two down from server, but at least I'll be able to enjoy the Banquet,  
  
not be a waiter. I don't hafta dress up fancy neither," the man stopped to take a breath, "You two  
  
ain't from around here, are you? I can tell."  
  
Mulder stepped up, "No, we are from the FB-um Federal Bureau of Investigation."  
  
"Oh, right. What's that?"  
  
"We fight crime, in fact we are here to help you all, to stop the One."  
  
The man grinned, "Course you are, all the others were, too. A course, I haven't seen the others,  
  
they disappeared a while ago!"  
  
Scully swallowed. Disappeared? What had Skinner gotten them into?  
  
"What is your name, sir?" Mulder asked.  
  
"October LaMode, but you can call me October," the man smiled, "I must be heading now, town  
  
meeting in a few, and I want to wash up a bit. Will I be seeing you two there?"  
  
"Most likely," Scully edged closer to Mulder, "Goodbye October."  
  
"Toodle loo!" And with that, October walked away.  
  
PALACE OF MUFFIN SIZED PROPORTION  
  
The Palace was huge. Mulder stepped back onto the street. A man on the corner of the street with  
  
a lolli-pop cart watched him. A lot of people watched him. Mulder and Scully stood out. They  
  
were both wearing clean, black suits, while the rest of the city, they were not. The women were  
  
dressed in long, wavy dresses that looked as if they were made of clouds. Not that they were  
  
see-through, oh-no, the dresses were brilliant shade of red, purple, cerulean blue  
  
(Oh-No!),orange, any colour that you could possibly think of. The men were dressed in elegant  
  
multicolour robes and polka dotted suits whose dots flashed different colours. The townsfolk  
  
were all brilliant and shiny, even their hair seemed to be of different hues.  
  
It was sickening, really.  
  
Mulder motioned to Scully for her to come closer to him. He pointed up towards the Palace.  
  
"Please tell me that doesn't look like what I think it looks like," he moaned.  
  
"If you think it looks like muffin, it does," Scully frowned. Why did it look like a muffin?  
  
"Only fat people eat muffins," grumbled Mulder. Scully stared at him for a beat, then back at the  
  
building.  
  
"That's why they call them muffins," Mulder giggled.  
  
Scully shook her head just as great bells began to sound. The bright towns people began to make  
  
their way into an auditorium that looked suspiciously like--  
  
"A pie," Scully finished my sentence.  
  
"Well, we told ol' October we was going to this there town meeting, so um guessin' wesa better  
  
go on in," Mulder imitated October's way of speaking.  
  
"I reckon," Scully said with a smile.  
  
THE TOWN MEETING  
  
"Alright, everyone just calm down, if you would just stay seated, I'm sure we can work this out!  
  
He only meant that while the chocolate chips were important, in this event, the blueberries are the  
  
ones that should be center stage!" A squirly looking man banged on the microphone, trying to get  
  
the angry crowds' attention. Finally he gave up, and called the vice- president of the banquet  
  
committee.  
  
The vice-president cleared his throat, "I'm covered in chicken blood."  
  
"Okay, and now the president of the committee," the squirrel man cut into the woman's sentence  
  
type thing.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, it looks as if we are having a rather safe week, the One has not been back  
  
for, well, a week," The crowd cheered at this, "But, no one is saying that we will be safe next  
  
week. Keep your mini-muffins indoors at all times possible. They should take the shuttle to school  
  
in the morning, back home in the afternoon, and be with you at all times in- between."  
  
"Mulder, do you notice anything....strange about these people?" Scully whispered to Mulder.  
  
"Well, other than the fact that most of them are huge pastries with eyes and mouths, I have no  
  
idea what you're talking about, Scully."  
  
"Now, everyone, the FBI will be coming next week, so keep in mind who you would like to honor  
  
with this year's Banquet Of The Year Award!" The president let the crowd whisper about this for  
  
a minute or two before continuing, "Now, our school principal, Professor Cupkaken would like to  
  
say a few words."  
  
A half man half cupcake came onto the stage, "Your mini-muffins and children should have their  
  
end of term reports next Monday, so make sure you see their grades. Unfortunately, due to safety  
  
issues, we cannot allow Summer holiday schooling, but a select few of our teachers are willing to  
  
tutor a student or two on certain days of the week. As you all already know, our holiday  
  
activities camps are also closed this coming vacation, but rest assured, local business' are  
  
putting together camps for your young ones. Some of those camps include Swimming camps at  
  
our local pool. Money and Budgeting camps at the bank, Business camps at our shopping outlet,  
  
in addition to many more. See our lovely Mrs. Spoon for pamphlets."  
  
The squirrelly man returned to the podium to adjourn the meeting.  
  
THE CHAOS THAT TAKES PLACE AFTER TOWN MEETINGS  
  
"Well, that was interesting."  
  
"I hope we get invited to many more town meetings."  
  
"Yeah, well---"  
  
Mulder was cut off by a loud, long, high-pitched scream. He and Scully whirled around to see  
  
people all crowding around Mrs. Spoon, who had her back to them, and was looking up at the  
  
sky.  
  
Suddenly, everyone started screaming. When Mulder looked up, at first all he could see was  
  
black, until he realized that the sky was supposed to be light, it wasn't time for night. The sky was  
  
covered in what looked like a big, black cloud.  
  
"He's here!" screamed a plump apple cobbler. She took her little pies, and they began to waddle  
  
away.  
  
All of the mini-muffins began to sob, and the larger muffins circled around them, in a weird  
  
protective shield.  
  
"Mulder," Scully began to say, but never finished. There was a bright flash of light, the wind began  
  
to whirl, and she felt as if she was being lifted off the ground. Scully kept her eyes closed, but  
  
even if she had opened them, it would have done no good. It was too bright to see anything. She  
  
groped for something to hold onto, preferably Mulder, put nothing was in reach. Then she felt as  
  
if she was falling, she opened her eyes, and saw nothing but red.  
  
Then she hit the ground.  
  
And all was black  
  
A LAND WITHOUT MINI-MUFFINS  
  
He rolled over, and rubbed his temples. Mulder was dizzy, and felt even more nauseous than when  
  
he first entered this godforsaken land.  
  
Mulder sat up, but kept his eyes closed, remembering the feeling of being lifted really high, then  
  
crashing to the ground. He saw red  
  
Blood  
  
all around, then he passed out. For how long? Mulder, with caution, opened his eyes.  
  
BloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodB lood  
  
It wasn't all red. It wasn't blood. The sun was about to set, he was seeing the sun's setting  
  
reflection over everything. Oh, but what was this? The sun setting? Mulder checked his watch, it  
  
was well past 8 o'clock. How long had he been out?  
  
'Not as long as everyone else' he thought, looking around. Everything was a big pile of people,  
  
and pastries. Everyone was lying in a big heap, he was on the outside of the pile. He had to find  
  
Scully.  
  
'There she is,' Mulder ran to her. She had conveniently fallen on the outer ring of the townsfolk heap as well.  
  
Mulder picked her up and carried her away from the mess. He laid her on one of the steps  
  
leading up to the palace. Mulder didn't have a degree in medicine, like Scully, so he had no idea  
  
what to do.  
  
Or what happened, why were all of these people lying like this? What had that black cloud been?  
  
And, where was it now? And, where had all the mini-muffins gone?  
  
As Mulder looked around, he noticed that all of the mini-muffins had disappeared.  
  
SCULLY COMES TO  
  
Why am I so sore? What is going on? What was that black thing?  
  
"Scully! You're awake!" Mulder rushed to Scully's side.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"That black thing, I think it was The One, and all the mini-muffins are gone!"  
  
"Did The One take the mini-muffins?"  
  
"You're quick!" Mulder sat down beside Scully, he was eating a cookie.  
  
"Gimme some of that cookie," said Scully, sitting up, "Do you remember how at the town meeting  
  
they were all so protective over those mini-muffins, saying to stay with them at all times?"  
  
"Yup, and when that black thing came, all the big muffins made a wall around them."  
  
Scully yawned, and looked around, "Is everyone else still knocked out?"  
  
"Yes, you are the second to wake up," Mulder broke off some more cookie for her.  
  
"Who was the first to wake up?" Scully gladly accepted the piece of cookie.  
  
"Well, me. Was that not obvious enough?" Mulder dodged Scully's swinging palm.  
  
Scully stood up, looking around, she was deciding something, "When everyone comes too, we  
  
must see the king."  
  
"Why?" asked Mulder, as he stood up too.  
  
"We need some supplies. We are the only ones who can fight this thing, Mulder. We have to."  
  
Mulder nodded, "I think you're right Scully. We should help all these people, some of those guys  
  
over there look like the fall made them lose a lot of their filling."  
  
THE KING AND US  
  
Once the townsfolk came out of the strange passed out state they were all in (which took several  
  
hours), Mulder and Scully went to see the king.  
  
This is from the kings point of thought [view].  
  
Not again. This thing has got to be stopped. Who are these people? The man is tall, and very  
  
handsome, I only mean in a general way, I'm not gay. And the woman, with bright red hair, why  
  
are they here? To help? To fight? Do they actual think they can fight The One? When all of the  
  
others have died, they think they will survive? I suppose I should give them a chance. They are  
  
different than the rest of us. Neither of them were affected by The One this afternoon as the rest  
  
of us were. They appear to be strong. Are they strong enough for this task? Is their partnership  
  
strong enough to be more powerful than The One? I think not.  
  
"Please, sir. You were speaking out loud, and while I do not think you're gay, I do know that we  
  
are strong enough for this. The others, they were desserts. We are human beings, we can fight."  
  
The king talks like Aslan in that one episode of South Park, with the 'Richers', if you don't know  
  
what I mean, WHY NOT? WHY DON'T YOU WATCH SOUTH PARK?  
  
"Listen, you may think you are strong, so have many before you. But, you do not understand The  
  
One's power. Only one thing in our entire world can defeat him."  
  
"Napalm," interrupted Mulder, "Lots and lots of Napalm."  
  
"SILENCE! You do not understand the power of the pie! The almighty pie is by far more greater  
  
than your Napalm, the almighty pie is stronger than The One, but only those who want the pie, but  
  
do not want to use the pie, can have the pie. We want to use the pie, therefore, we cannot get the  
  
pie."  
  
"Huh, kinda like Harry Potter!"  
  
"SILENCE! This is NOTHING like Harry Potter! Maybe I should allow you two to venture on to  
  
The One's lair, only then will you understand how wrong you really are! Only then will you  
  
understand the power of the pie! Oh yes, my friend, you will see the pie, but The Almighty Pie,  
  
will not be yours!"  
  
"So, uh, can we go?" Mulder stepped forward.  
  
"BACK! BACK I SAY! I will let you go, but, I must give you a few things for the trip, Bakery's  
  
Policy." The King bellowed.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"You may have a map of where the lair is, a knapsack a piece of rations, The Great Slice, and  
  
chips."  
  
"Chips?" Mulder questioned.  
  
"Money," whispered Scully, "What, sir, is The Great Slice?"  
  
"The Great Slice will help you on the journey, but I cannot say how. Off you go! Randall here will  
  
give you the things, go on now. Scat."  
  
THE JOURNEY THAT LIES AHEAD  
  
They were given a large, decaying map leading to the Lair, a small bag apiece of cookies,  
  
cupcakes and berries, a sack of 'chips' and a green velvet sack that was mighty heavy.  
  
"Are you sure he said that we can't open the bag?" Mulder groaned, "It's sooo heavy."  
  
"Don't open it, Mulder. The Great Slice is in there, and Randall said if we open it, it will lose all its  
  
powers and be useless."  
  
"I wish we had the pie, it would defeat him," Mulder grumbled.  
  
"NO! Don't think like that! If you want to use the pie, you will not get the pie!"  
  
"Who cares? We're gonna die anyway, why can't I wish for a pie?"  
  
Scully didn't say anything. Instead, she focused on the rocky road (actual rocks, not ice cream) they were traveling on.  
  
After 2 hours, it had gotten too dark to see. Mulder laid down in the middle of the road, and fell  
  
asleep. Scully went off to the side of the road (less dangerous) to sleep.  
  
"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"  
  
Scully woke up instantly. Who was screaming that utterly girlie scream? Mulder, of course.  
  
"Why was you sleepin' in the road, sir?"  
  
"I-I-was not!" Mulder limped over to Scully.  
  
"He ran over me! That guy with the pumpkin cart RAN OVER ME!" Mulder whined.  
  
"Is anything broken?"  
  
"No, I don't think so."  
  
Mulder and Scully turned back to the pumpkin cart man, who looked remarkably like a lolli-pop.  
  
The man had a large, wooden cart on wheels, brimming to the top with sparkling orange  
  
pumpkins. The cart was being pulled by a chocolate moose (get it?) and the man had been riding  
  
atop the pumpkins.  
  
"Where are you too headed?" The lolli-pop man jumped off the top of the crate, and offered them  
  
both a pumpkin.  
  
Scully, who was starving, bit into the pumpkin, and realized it wasn't really a pumpkin at all. It was  
  
shaped like a pumpkin, and the outer coat was orange candy, but it was easy to bit into, and the  
  
inside was made out of whipped chocolate. (no wonder I get so hungry when I work on this  
  
story!)  
  
"We, we are trying to get to-The Lair," Mulder said, finishing off his pumpkin.  
  
"Ooh, wow, that's a long way from here, weeks walk if I do say so myself. It's only 2 days trip if  
  
you're riding, though. I'm going halfway, to a village. You can ride with me, and I'll set you up  
  
with some transportation, if you'd like," the lolli-pop man ushered them over to his cart, "You can  
  
sit on this back bench, no offense, but too much weight will crush mah pumpkins."  
  
"Non taken. We'll go, right Scully?" Mulder turned to Scully, who was packing up their  
  
belongings. She was obviously ready to go.  
  
The lolli-pop man gave them two more pumpkins each, and they began to ride.  
  
THE NOT SO MAGICAL LAND OF COOKIES AND CAKE  
  
The sun was setting when the sign welcoming them to The Not So Magical Land Of Cookies and  
  
Cake came into view.  
  
Mulder nudged Scully, who had fallen asleep, "We're here," he whispered in her ear.  
  
She sat up abruptly, and looked around. She saw the sign and made sure they still had their food,  
  
money and most importantly, The Great Slice.  
  
Now, while the Magical Land Of Muffins and Pie was sparkling and gold, and magical, this Land  
  
of Cookies and Cake, was not so magical. It's streets were lined with cobblestone, it's buildings  
  
made of cement. It looked like a normal village. It was a normal village. The townsfolk were  
  
people, not pies, not muffins!  
  
"Where are all the pastries," asked Mulder.  
  
"The One took 'em all," the lolli-pop man said sadly.  
  
Mulder and Scully looked at each other, this would not be good.  
  
THE UNWELCOMING COMMITEE  
  
When Mulder and Scully entered the town with the lolli-pop man, they knew right off the bat that  
  
they weren't welcome. They got dirty looks from all the people in the land, and were even denied  
  
a car. The loll-pop man said they could use his cart if all else failed.  
  
The lolli-pop man gave them shelter for the night.  
  
It was a small shack, very close to the exit of the town. Mulder and Scully weren't very warm, but  
  
it would due for the night. They ate the pumpkins that the lolli-pop man provided, and discussed  
  
their travel plans, i.e. The Lair.  
  
"I think it's really big, and dark and scary," said Scully.  
  
"Me too, it's probably covered in fire like that place in Shrek!"  
  
"Oooh! I loved that movie!"  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  
  
I say, "Who is it?"  
  
No answer.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
There's no answer."  
  
"WHO IS IT?"  
  
They're not saying anything.  
  
(Sorry, Weird Al moment!)  
  
The door was knocked on again.  
  
Mulder stood up, and slowly walked over to it, cocking his gun. Scully did the same.  
  
Mulder reached for the brass door handle, he could hear the angry grunts from a lot of people on  
  
the other side of the door.  
  
"Grab The Great Slice," Mulder whispered, as he turned the knob.  
  
Just as Scully stuffed the bag in her pocket, the door burst open, and caught on fire. Hundreds of  
  
townspeople with flame-throwers and crossbows and other kickass weapons were outside, and  
  
wanting our heroes' blood.  
  
Mulder grabbed Scully, and they ran. The angry mob followed. An arrow grazed Mulder's left ear,  
  
making him call out in pain.  
  
"C'mon, Mulder, there is a car up ahead, beside the entrance."  
  
Scully broke from Mulder's grip and sprinted ahead, Mulder was blinded with pain, from the tiny little cut on his ear. Scully swung the doors open to the car and threw The Great Slice's heavy bag inside, and sat down in the  
  
driver's seat.  
  
While Scully searched for the key, Mulder fell over, another arrow just nearly missing him. Someone in the back started to fire a machine gun. This got Mulder moving again. He ran as fast as he could to the car, and reached it just as Scully found the key. Mulder swung the passenger door  
  
open and pushed The Great Slice aside and he scrambled inside. Scully started the car and the  
  
angry mob was closer than ever. Mulder slammed the door as Scully floored it.  
  
They were on the road, in no time, and after a half hour, had totally lost the angry mob.  
  
But now they faced another life-threatening problem  
  
THE LIFE-THREATENING PROBLEM (S)  
  
"What do you mean, no food? We must have something!" Scully was going to slap Mulder if he  
  
didn't say he was joking, "It's over a day's drive to this place, and you're telling me we don't have  
  
any food?"  
  
"Well, no we don't. We had to rush outta there, but at least we have The Great Slice!" Mulder  
  
picked up the velvet bag, and patted it.  
  
"Shut up, dickweed," snapped Scully.  
  
"Don't call me that! That's rude!"  
  
Scully ignored Mulder. She continued to drive. Scully wanted to get the pie and kill The One so  
  
badly. But, she knew in her heart, that thinking of using it was not the way to get it, it was the way  
  
not to get it. Mulder laid back, close to sleep.  
  
When he awoke, the car had stopped, It was daylight, and Scully was breathing hard.  
  
"What's going on?" asked Mulder, reaching for The Great Slice's bag.  
  
"We are here," Scully pointed ahead of them, at a huge stone mountain. Fire was coming out of  
  
its holes and a black cloud was coming from it's top.  
  
"Oh my god," Mulder got out of the car.  
  
"What are you doing?" Scully got out after him.  
  
"We are here, Scully. Let's do this thing."  
  
Mulder and Scully walked towards the mountain.  
  
THE MEETING  
  
Mulder looked back at Scully, who was laying on the floor, out of breath. They had just climbed  
  
the mountain. (I know that part and the driving was pretty quick, but I want to get to the kickass  
  
fighting sequence)  
  
They were standing in front of a huge orange door, most likely the entrance to The One's Lair.  
  
"Scully, is it too late to turn back?" Mulder helped her to her feet.  
  
"Much too late," Scully walked towards the door.  
  
The door swung open, and Mulder and Scully rushed inside.  
  
At first, the giant room in which they had ran into looked empty. There were a few piles of rocks  
  
(that went around 60 or 70 feet in the air) here and there, but no horrible Lords or tortured  
  
mini-muffins.  
  
"We must be in it's living room," Mulder walked a little farther into the room, when suddenly, the  
  
entire place began to shake. The Great Slice's bag fell from Mulder's grip and skidded into  
  
the shadows, as if it was being pulled. Scully began to run for it, but a sudden roar came from  
  
within the room.  
  
"Oh no," Mulder ran to Scully, she couldn't see it. Mulder knocked her to the ground just as a  
  
giant arm/tentacle came from above, trying to hit her.  
  
"Why couldn't I see it?" Scully asked. She could see it now. It was a gigantic, scaly tentacle, with  
  
bony fingers on the end. Boils covered the entire thing, which seemed to be coming from the  
  
shadows in the ceiling.  
  
"I don't know Scully, but don't let it leave your sight," Mulder jumped to his feet, as did Scully.  
  
The arm came down again, this time Mulder and Scully got out of the way, and ran towards The  
  
Great Slice.  
  
"Mulder, let me get it," Scully screamed over The One's never-ending roar.  
  
Mulder ran from Scully towards a large metal length of pipe that suddenly appeared. Mulder  
  
didn't have time to wonder where it came from.  
  
He picked it up, and looked for the arm. It was coming from all directions now, must be multiple  
  
arms. He smacked one away from him, then saw Scully, who was holding the velvet bag, trying to  
  
open it.  
  
"No, Scully, Don't open it!" yelled Mulder, running over to her.  
  
"Mulder, it could help us," called Scully. From above, two arms came swooping towards her at a  
  
deadly speed.  
  
"NOOOOO!" Mulder ran over to her, swinging the pipe above him. She didn't see the arms as  
  
they slapped her across the head, making her fly across the room, immediately knocked out.  
  
Mulder ran towards the bag, but it was gone, sliding away, but still in sight, by some unseen force  
  
again.  
  
One of the bony fingers came down, and took Mulder's pipe. It then picked up Mulder, and  
  
carried him over to the top of a high 70 foot tower of rocks. Mulder stood the best he could,  
  
trying to keep one eye on the finger, and the other one on Scully, trying to see if she was still  
  
alive.  
  
Mulder gave up trying to find Scully, and turned to the finger, which went up into the ceiling, then  
  
there was a bright flash of light, then in front of him, was The One.  
  
THE STANDOFF WITH THE ONE  
  
It was as tall as the tower Mulder was standing on, and Mulder was face to face with The One.  
  
"SO, MULDER. YOU WANT TO KILL ME." The One said in a loud, booming voice.  
  
"Um, technically speaking, "Mulder stared into the huge, glistening eyes, "Kind of."  
  
"YOU SHOULD KNOW, I PLAN TO TAKE OVER BOTH WORLDS, FOX. HUMAN AND  
  
DESSERTS."  
  
"But, you will never, there is no way, "Mulder had no courage what so ever.  
  
The One laughed, knocking Mulder over, and down ten feet. Mulder was hanging on to the rocks  
  
by just one hand. He tried to swing himself up, but couldn't. Then he found a better grip.  
  
The One laughed heartily, "I WILL CONTROL BOTH WORLDS, MULDER. WITH THE PIE,  
  
I CAN CONTROL EVERYTHING!"  
  
"NO! YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T HAVE THE PIE, YOU WANT TO USE IT TOO BAD!"  
  
Mulder climbed up the rocks, so he was standing in front of The One again.  
  
"YOU SHALL NEVER HAVE IT EITHER, MULDER. YOU WANT THE ALMIGTY PIE  
  
JUST TO KILL ME!"  
  
"THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO  
  
WITH THE ALMIGHTY PIE! ALL I WANT IS TO STOP YOU, PIE OR NO PIE. I JUST  
  
WANT SCULLY TO BE OKAY,I JUST WANT THE PASTRIES TO COME BACK, I JUST  
  
WANT TO STOP YOU FROM TAKING OVER BOTH WORLDS! I DON'T WANT  
  
THE PIE'S STRENGTH, I DON'T WANT IT'S POWER, I JUST WANT TO DEFEAT  
  
YOU!" Mulder screamed, getting louder and louder with each word.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, the velvet bag began to shake.  
  
THE GREAT SLICE  
  
Mulder watched the velvet bag. The Great Slice, something was happening to it. The One was  
  
watching it, too.  
  
"What's going on?" Mulder's eye's didn't leave the velvet bag.  
  
"You have done it now," The One actually sounded scared.  
  
"But, that's only The Great Slice, it isn't the Almighty Pie!"  
  
"Silly human, The Great Slice is The Almighty Pie. As soon as it is sure you are worthy of the pie,  
  
it returns to it's true form."  
  
The velvet bag exploded, and the room was filled with golden light. A huge pie (cherry) took the  
  
bag's place. The pie was larger than The One, and definitely larger than Mulder.  
  
"I can't be worthy of the pie!" Mulder was frightened now.  
  
"FOX, WE MEET AT LAST. DON'T BE FRIGHTENED, FOX. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE  
  
WHO IS WORTHY OF THE PIE. NOT THE OTHERS, NOT SCULLY, YOU. SCULLY  
  
WILL BE ALRIGHT, FOX. AS FOR YOU," the pie turned to The One.  
  
"You can't defeat me! I don't care what they say! I'm the most powerful thing in both  
  
worlds!" The One shouted.  
  
The pie swelled up, and bellowed, "I THINK NOT! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE  
  
POWER OF THE PIE! YOU WILL, HOWEVER."  
  
The One backed up, ready to fight the pie. Mulder began to climb down the rock tower. It wasn't  
  
a good idea to be 70 feet off the ground when a monster and a pie were fighting.  
  
"LISTEN, YOU!" The pie hopped over to The One, "YOU HAVE UPSET THE ALMIGHTY  
  
PIE, YOU MUST PAY THE CONSEQUENCES!"  
  
The One backed up once again.  
  
"YOU HAVE ANGERED THE ALMIGHTY PIE. YOU HAVE TORTURED ITS PEOPLE,  
  
DESTROYED ITS VILLAGES. I AM THE ALMIGHTY PIE, FEEL MY WRATH!"  
  
Hundreds of cherry bombs (get it?), cherries that exploded poisonous juice came at The One.  
  
Thousands, really.  
  
Mulder dodged as many as he could, trying to make his way towards Scully.  
  
"THE POWER OF THE PIE COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF THE PIE COMPELS YOU!"  
  
screamed the pie, and something happened to Mulder.  
  
All of a sudden, he was filled with more courage than he had ever had in his entire life. He felt  
  
stronger, bigger (even though he was still only 6 feet tall, standing beside a 70 foot monster and a  
  
140 foot wide pie).  
  
Mulder turned to The One, pulled out his gun, and shot a single bullet at The One.  
  
It exploded, The One exploded.  
  
The One was finally dead.  
  
And, it was all thanks to Mulder.  
  
"YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB, FOX. NOW, RETURN TO THE MAGICAL LAND OF  
  
MUFFINS AND PIE. ALL THE VILLAGES HAVE BEEN RESTORED, AND THE  
  
PASTRIES AND MINI-MUFFINS ARE BACK WHERE THEY BELONG. EVERYONE  
  
KNOWS IT IS ALL THANKS TO YOU, FOX. YOU MAY HAVE ONE FINAL REQUEST,  
  
FOX. ASK ME ANYTHING, THE TRUTH OF THE CONSPIRACY, THE TRUE IDENTITY  
  
OF THE ONE, ANYTHING AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE YOUR ANSWER."  
  
Mulder looked at Scully. She wasn't moving.  
  
"OH, RIGHT. FORGOT ABOUT THAT," the pie shot a golden ray right at Scully.  
  
She began to stir.  
  
"Who was The One?" Mulder asked, running to Scully.  
  
"I'M NOT SURE OF HIS REAL NAME, BUT I DO KNOW HE SMOKED A LOT OF  
  
BUBBLE GUM CIGARS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING."  
  
Mulder knew what he was saying, even in this messed up world, the Cancer Man controlled all.  
  
Or rather, the Syndicate.  
  
Mulder hugged the now healthy Scully, and they started their journey back to The Magical Land  
  
of Muffins and Pies.  
  
THE BANGUET OF THE YEAR AWARD  
  
"I do wish you would join us at the ceremony, Lord Mulder," Archibald Appleberry said,  
  
"Mr. Spoon's Christmas luncheon is sure to win."  
  
Mulder laughed, and put his arm around Lady Scully, "That's okay, King Appleberry, we must be  
  
off. The human world needs our help as well."  
  
"Of course. Of course," the king sadly lead them to the hot air balloon (Oh, shut up. The Wizard of  
  
Oz was nothing like this!)  
  
Mulder climbed into the hot air balloon, and helped Scully up. Scully wrapped her arm around his  
  
waist as they waved goodbye to the townsfolk.  
  
The hot air balloon lifted higher and higher, taking them back to the land of------  
  
"MULDER, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY, GET OFF THE  
  
GODDAMN COUCH!"  
  
Mulder jumped off the couch, face to face with an angry Scully.  
  
"W-what's going on?" Mulder asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
  
Had all that been a dream?  
  
"You've been asleep, we have to go, we're late."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Skinner wants to see us. He has an assignment for us. The place where we are going sounds like  
  
some fairytale land to me." Scully walked out the front door, leaving a frightened Mulder.  
  
EPILOUGE  
  
Mulder looked around him. The sky was a pale pinkish color, the trees all packed with soccer ball  
  
sized cherries. A cute little bunny with huge, cute, glistening eyes hopped playfully by. The path  
  
leading to the bright city was made of graham cracker crumbles, and it was as smooth as silk, and  
  
no one ever fell down. The grass was sweet and tangy to the taste, thick and bouncy to the touch.  
  
The entire country-side of the city was tinted in a majestic gold. Up ahead, the city streets were  
  
paved with gold coins, the markets all giving out free, tasty treats to hungry passerby. The city  
  
looked cheerful, inviting, mystical.  
  
Mulder felt like he was going to puke.  
  
How had he ended up in this nauseating city?  
  
It was Skinner's fault.  
  
THE END  
  
Ahh, The Magical Land of Muffins and Pie, my gift unto the world. I love this story, it's just unbelievably fantastic. The X-Files Fan Fiction / HOME 


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